Expectation Is The Gate Keeper Of Insanity

I am pondering the holidays today. Pondering the expectation of them, the promise of the glitter and lights and smells that flow so thickly through my memories of them. Thinking of the many seasons I’ve spent chasing those impossible moments of innocence I knew as a child; hearing the sound of hooves on my grandmother’s roof and believing Santa Clause had landed to bring us our gifts, or staring into the depths of the Christmas tree and seeing worlds full of fairies and magic pulsing on the edge of every pine needle. These places cannot be returned to, and yet with the holidays I always find myself trying to do so.

Through these thoughts I have come to believe quite firmly that expectation is the gate keeper to insanity. So much in life is not what we believe it will be. From toys we received as children that seemed at a distance to be the tools of gods yet faded into mundane pieces of plastic within hours of touching our hands, to the gut piercing coldness of the moments after a realized lust in which one learns that it is worse to obtain what you thought you wanted and find it never existed to begin with, than to dream of what could be from afar.

So I am trying this 25^th of December to stop all expectation of anything. I am trying to let lose the images of warm beautiful evenings with friends and primal heat filled sexual interactions with imagined lovers who, by some great and wonderful dream, are connected to me through far more than the explosion of libido and chemicals in my blood. I am trying to sit here and be in the moment that is, and be happy with it as it is. I am not altogether succeeding mind you, but I am trying. And perhaps, just a vaguely possible perhaps, I will find myself surprised and happy with what comes to me as the days pass.

I am bone tired and sickened by the disappointment of life, and I think I may have finally figured out how stop it before it starts. The moment, the breath, the minutes, the seconds… these are all that is.

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